Variation of Thoughts
I’ve received a mail from the army today and I’m not sure if I ought to be happy or not as I’ve been given a permanent downgrade due to the operation I’ve had earlier on this year. Perhaps, I ought to look at the brighter side of life. Many have been dying to have this type of downgrade but not for me. Honestly, I’m experiencing mixed feelings. This is because I’ve underwent through a rather tough training when I was in the army and now, I’ve been given this status. However, I’m glad because I’m not going to take any IPPT anymore. Maybe, this is also a good thing as I need not worry about injuring my ankle anymore.
Sometimes, I really do not know what’s wrong with me. I can be so happy at home and so glad with the company of my other Church friends but when I am with my cell group, I really feel very strange. I really do not know why but there is a sense of rejection whenever I meet up with them.
Yes, it’s true that some of them have been trying to open me up but I really cannot open myself up much. I felt that I cannot trust the entire cell much. Above all, I cannot trust much people or in fact, anyone in my own cell or own zone. Maybe, some time later, I’ll change my blog to a site that only those who are keen will be able to find out more about me and the developments.
Yesterday was the Pastor Course graduation ceremony. While looking at the graduates, I felt kind of wanting to get back to Bible School and even want to get back to where I was. Although it was a time when I was trained, tried and test but I liked it. It wasn’t easy to go through that time but I really wanted to get back there.
Now, when I hear of the announcer asking those who have not attended Bible School to attend Bible School to go for Bible School, I have two kinds of feelings. One, which I do really want to go back to Bible School, while the other, is this stinking attitude. Why get into Bible School when at the end of the day, I’m not doing anything? I felt that I have really gone all the way backwards. I’ve even mocked at the thought of myself getting into Bible School and ended up doing nothing.
The dreams of wanting to be a leader, of wanting to preach the gospel, wanting to lead people to Christ, is like getting smaller as time goes by. I’m still reasoning to myself on this… Why am I trained for? What am I trained for? Am I to rot and do nothing? If not, why am I trained for? I look at others from my batch they’re either leading, helper or are giving the cell group members Bible Study even when they are a helper in the cell. Nevertheless, maybe I’ve to look at myself. What am I really doing? What is the cause of these? What is my motive in getting into Bible School? I really am lost…
Pastor Ulf was preaching about “My Calling” this entire weekend. What is my calling? If I am not called to leadership, why are people thinking that I am a leader? Why did Pastor Joshua prophesy that I would be a leader? If what they said is true, I really need to reflect on myself deeply.
Alas, I’ve given up hope of thinking and analyzing. I’m really tired. I felt fed up. There are two things I can do now. First, is to give up and don’t think so much about it or to continue fighting and not give up.
I really need the direction and the passion to serve once again. I do not know why or what is happening but I’m sure God will make a way for me. If you’re willing, do keep me in prayers, especially if you’re a Christian. Otherwise, just hope for the best that God will lead me and guide me, showing me the way to go. Thanks for your prayers.
Sometimes, I really do not know what’s wrong with me. I can be so happy at home and so glad with the company of my other Church friends but when I am with my cell group, I really feel very strange. I really do not know why but there is a sense of rejection whenever I meet up with them.
Yes, it’s true that some of them have been trying to open me up but I really cannot open myself up much. I felt that I cannot trust the entire cell much. Above all, I cannot trust much people or in fact, anyone in my own cell or own zone. Maybe, some time later, I’ll change my blog to a site that only those who are keen will be able to find out more about me and the developments.
Yesterday was the Pastor Course graduation ceremony. While looking at the graduates, I felt kind of wanting to get back to Bible School and even want to get back to where I was. Although it was a time when I was trained, tried and test but I liked it. It wasn’t easy to go through that time but I really wanted to get back there.
Now, when I hear of the announcer asking those who have not attended Bible School to attend Bible School to go for Bible School, I have two kinds of feelings. One, which I do really want to go back to Bible School, while the other, is this stinking attitude. Why get into Bible School when at the end of the day, I’m not doing anything? I felt that I have really gone all the way backwards. I’ve even mocked at the thought of myself getting into Bible School and ended up doing nothing.
The dreams of wanting to be a leader, of wanting to preach the gospel, wanting to lead people to Christ, is like getting smaller as time goes by. I’m still reasoning to myself on this… Why am I trained for? What am I trained for? Am I to rot and do nothing? If not, why am I trained for? I look at others from my batch they’re either leading, helper or are giving the cell group members Bible Study even when they are a helper in the cell. Nevertheless, maybe I’ve to look at myself. What am I really doing? What is the cause of these? What is my motive in getting into Bible School? I really am lost…
Pastor Ulf was preaching about “My Calling” this entire weekend. What is my calling? If I am not called to leadership, why are people thinking that I am a leader? Why did Pastor Joshua prophesy that I would be a leader? If what they said is true, I really need to reflect on myself deeply.
Alas, I’ve given up hope of thinking and analyzing. I’m really tired. I felt fed up. There are two things I can do now. First, is to give up and don’t think so much about it or to continue fighting and not give up.
I really need the direction and the passion to serve once again. I do not know why or what is happening but I’m sure God will make a way for me. If you’re willing, do keep me in prayers, especially if you’re a Christian. Otherwise, just hope for the best that God will lead me and guide me, showing me the way to go. Thanks for your prayers.
posted by Calvin Chung @ 11:17 PM
Email me: calvin.othniel@gmail.com
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